Several companies around the world want to change the way that you use the restroom, with each of them announcing plans to release “smart toilets.” These Internet-enabled commodes are intended to become health-monitoring tools, using a variety of techniques to analyze waste and provide medical and nutritional advice.

According to a document released by the Stanford School of Medicine, things such as “uroflowmetry” could be assessed, in which details like “volume, duration, and velocity of urination events” would all be tracked. Similar statistics would be gathered during defecation, including such information as a person’s analprint, which – as first discovered by Salvador Dalí, of all people – is as unique as their fingerprint.

The obvious concern held by many prospective poopers is one of how this data will be handled and stored, with some people expressing their fear that corporations such as Google or Amazon could end up acquiring it. While such an eventuality could result in some remarkably specific personalized advertisements, the world may not be ready for an anus-based database.

Still, how does the viewer at home feel? Would you take dietary advice from your toilet? Would you attempt to earn a high score in urinary velocity? Does the existence of unique analprints suggest that we can unlock our smartphones by shoving them up our backsides?

For the moment, technology-trimmed toilets take taboo transcripts, tendering treatment tips.